Never Doubt I Love
by Brawbricht
Summary: Now morphing in to another take on C&K moving on after the wedding dance. Disclaimer: All characters belong to Sally Wainwright
1. Chapter 1

It had been a beautiful summer, the best for years but the days had hung heavy on Kate. She missed Caroline, there were no two ways about it; her heart yearned for the comfort only Caroline could give, the peace she found only in Caroline's company, the joy she felt only in Caroline's arms.

'Stop it Kate McKenzie' she thought pressing her hands gently against her slowly expanding belly reminding herself that she had made her decision three months ago, that the child growing within her was the living proof that there was no way back. Her essence now had to be spent on protecting and nurturing this child but, she did miss Caroline, it was like a physical pain that she carried with her every waking moment and often beyond into her dreams as well.

Kate had loved Caroline from the moment they met, that moment when they shook hands on Kate's first visit to Sulgrave Heath. Before then Kate would have said that the idea of love at first sight was ridiculous, how after all, she used to think, could you possibly love someone you didn't even know? But she had fallen in love with Caroline at that very first moment and even though it now felt like a lifetime ago she knew her feelings had never lessened, they had only strengthened and deepened.

Caroline was magnificent, Kate had used that adjective to describe Caroline for so long but even now she never tired of thinking about the magnificent, glorious, beautiful woman with whom she was completely besotted. Caroline's magnificence wasn't all about looks and demeanour. The headmistress of Sulgrave Heath had no idea of what an amazing mind she truly had, certainly she was sufficiently self-aware to know that she was very intelligent but she never seemed to realise how her mind flitted so lightly across a diverse range of subjects absorbing facts and information that she was then able to communicate in a way that was both interesting and enlightening. Kate knew that she herself was an intelligent and accomplished woman, she also knew she was a good teacher but she often wished she had half of Caroline's teaching ability and a tenth of her skill as a leader.

But it wasn't the public woman that Kate loved, it was the unknown Caroline Elliot, the vulnerable tender woman that only she got to see, that had nurtured her love and converted it into something strong and lasting.

Yes magnificent, that was Caroline, an enticing mixture of brilliance and ignorance, arrogance and vulnerability. A woman who gave of herself freely and passionately in private but who was almost frigid in her public reserve and that was the problem, the tender vulnerable Caroline that Kate loved was encased in a hard carapace of arrogance, selfishness and fear and it was this outer woman that had left Kate feeling used and abused.

Kate had tried to convince herself that it was her Caroline that had asked her to move into Conway Drive, that Caroline was asking because she loved her and wanted to be with her but the evidence kept on telling Kate that it was actually the other Caroline who was behind the invitation, the selfish Caroline who was using her simply to drive John out and secure her beloved house for herself.

The fearful Caroline, the woman who couldn't accept her own nature and who was terrified of what people might think of her if she stepped out from behind the illusion of the perfect lifestyle she had created still played a large part in their relationship. Twice Caroline had promised she understood how her behaviour made Kate feel; twice she had promised she would try harder. Then, when she had broken her word for the third time, when she had hidden their relationship behind the hypocrisy of single rooms Kate had known she had to protect herself, she couldn't, she wouldn't live the rest of her life in Caroline's shadow, her furtive little secret affair.

But, Kate had told herself, the final nail in the coffin, had been Caroline's inability to understand the depth of her need to be a mother. Admittedly she hadn't chosen the best place to broach the subject with Caroline, and their subsequent talk on the sports field hadn't gone much better but, that night as they lay in each other's arms and Caroline had comforted her as she spoke of her four miscarriages Kate had tried to believe she could get Caroline to understand her overpowering need to have a child of her own. Of course it hadn't been possible, why would Caroline want to have another child at her stage in life especially when she already had two healthy, almost fully grown, sons of her own.

It was true that Kate had used Caroline's inability to publicly accept her as her partner as the main cause of their break up but in fact it was Caroline's reluctance to have a child with her that was the real issue.

It wasn't until now, until she was once again pregnant and had reached the twelve week point that she had been able to look back at that time with less emotion.

Kate could now see that from the moment she had told Caroline she wanted a baby until that fateful weekend at the hotel when they had finally disintegrated she had been building a case in her own mind, a case to help justify to herself what she was about to do. She had seen the reluctance in Caroline and had used this as the foundation of her reasoning, Caroline she had told herself didn't really care about her, she had always wanted only what was best for Caroline and a baby wasn't part of that mix. With hindsight she was able to see things more as Caroline would probably have seen them at the time. Yes, there were overtones of the selfish Caroline but Kate now realised she had failed to see that some of Caroline's reluctance stemmed from the older woman's very real concern about the difficulties inherent in what at best would be a late in life pregnancy or what at worst could be the devastation another miscarriage would wreak psychologically on the woman she cared about.

At the time she had seen how hurt Caroline had been when she had suggested she attempted to get pregnant by sleeping with Greg. In typical Caroline style though the older woman had only expressed this hurt as not being able to 'process some things yet'. Kate had convinced herself that this was simply Caroline's arrogance speaking, however stupid it sounded that Caroline couldn't accept that Greg could do something for her that she couldn't. Kate had now allowed herself to understand just how devastated Caroline must have felt when she suggested 'just doing it' with Greg in order to get pregnant. She had always known that making love was to Caroline the final surrender, the act that proclaimed your trust in and commitment to your partner, it could never be just sex to Caroline. Indeed Kate had known so well how important, how treasured was their physical relationship that she had used it as the final insult with which to push Caroline away.

Passing twelve weeks in her pregnancy was a turning point for Kate in more ways than one. As well as being the point when she felt able to start, cautiously, thinking about the future it had also brought her back into Caroline's presence on a one to one basis when she had had to tell her headmistress of her pregnancy and discuss arrangements for maternity leave. At that meeting earlier today she had been amazed by the pain etched on Caroline's face when she had told her of the pregnancy. Kate, who knew Caroline so well, had been able to read the tumult of emotion that had passed across the older woman's face, had been able to see from the tension in her neck and jaw the effort she was making to retain her composure, to remain the professional Dr. Elliot. Then, just as she was closing Caroline's office door the gasp she had heard as her headmistress obviously struggled to breath, to suppress a cry. What the hell was going on, why was Caroline so upset, she had never wanted this baby.

Seeing, experiencing, being enveloped by Caroline's distress had made Kate think and that had broken down some of the barriers the younger woman had been so carefully bolstering for the past three months. Kate knew that the desire within her to have a child had clouded her judgement, she now felt she understood Caroline's position just a little better.

Kate was again feeling the strong magnetic pull that was Caroline, the pull of the woman she loved beyond reason. But, other than that she was now willing to give Caroline the benefit of the doubt around her apparent unwillingness to have a child with her, and while now that she was pregnant that particular aspect of their break up may not seem quite so important, Kate couldn't see that anything else had fundamentally changed. She had to think now only of the child she carried, she couldn't allow herself to be tempted back into that half-life that had been her existence with Caroline and all of the older woman's complicated emotional baggage.


	2. Chapter 2

Catherine McKenzie strolled happily around her garden dead heading a few late roses while she waited for her daughter Kate to arrive.

Catherine loved her garden, she and her husband Joe had spent many happy hours designing and laying out the area and it had given both of them a great deal of pleasure. Catherine sighed, she always tried to be positive and to focus on the many happy memories she had of her life with Joe, the life they had had together raising Kate and the pride they had both taken in their beautiful and talented daughter. Even so thinking of Joe these days was always tinged with sadness, she still loved her husband dearly but the man she had fallen in love with was no longer there. Alzheimer's had taken her Joseph, slowly, cruelly and irreversibly.

Heading back inside the house Catherine filled the kettle and switched it on, Kate would be here shortly, she was usually very prompt. A small frown furrowed the brow of the tall elegant woman as the reached for the teapot; she had been worried about Kate over the past few months. Her daughter had been so happy in the spring, she seemed to have formed a strong attachment to the headmistress at the school where she taught, one Caroline Elliot, D Phil, M Ed no less; Catherine was impressed in spite of herself.

Kate had talked a lot about how magnificent her headmistress was, so much so that Catherine had detected very early on that her daughter was falling in love. She had truly hoped so, she wanted Kate to know again the joy of a loving and supportive relationship, the kind she herself had had with Joe. Catherine had liked Kate's husband Richard and had thought that he and Kate were well matched. But then Kate had got so obsessed about having a family and Richard hadn't been able to cope. Knowing now that Kate was more attracted to women did make Catherine wonder about the true depth of their relationship and whether it would have survived even had the circumstances been different but, that was in the past and Caroline, for a while, had appeared to be the future.

Then in the early summer everything had changed, Kate had been really miserable and although she was now putting a better face on things Catherine knew her daughter, she knew she was very unhappy and suspected it was because she had been dumped by the oh so superior Dr Elliot. Kate had never suggested in any way that this was what had happened, she had simply said they were no longer together, but Catherine couldn't think of any other logical reason.

'Hey Mum' called Kate as she came through the front door.

'Hi love, I'm in the kitchen, you want a cuppa'

'Please' said Kate entering the kitchen and giving her mother a hug and a peck on the cheek.

The two women grabbed their mugs and sat opposite each other at the kitchen table.

Kate had no doubt that she could count on her mother's love and support but even so she was nervous of breaking her news. Kate knew her mother would be both surprised and a little hurt that she had not told her what she was planning. Never before had she felt the need to withhold something like this from her mother; she had always felt able to tell her mother pretty much anything trusting to her love, to her common sense and to her open mindedness, they were indeed kindred spirits.

'How's Dad?'

'Oh, much the same, he was a bit unsettled when I saw him yesterday, not one of his better days.'

Kate leant across and squeezed her mother's hand.

'I need to tell you something'

'Mhmm?'

'I'm….er….I'm pregnant'

Catherine stared at her daughter, mouth slightly open, bewilderment evident on her handsome face.

'Say something Mum' said an even more nervous Kate

'How many weeks?'

'Thirteen'

'Kate! My God! I…..' Catherine was stunned 'You're thirteen weeks pregnant, thirteen weeks.' she repeated in disbelief 'Why on earth have you not said something before now.'

'Sorry, I am sorry' said Kate somewhat shamefacedly 'you..you know how badly I have always wanted a child. I knew time was running out and I _had_ to have one last try before there was no chance left.'

Kate looked at her mother wordlessly willing her to understand

'I so wanted to tell you, I did, but I didn't want to add any more to your load of worry. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, I did it with the very best intentions.'

'Kate, don't treat me like a fool. The reason you didn't tell me had nothing to do with you wanting to save me worry; you are more than aware that I've now got a good six months of worry ahead of me. You didn't tell me because you were in that obsessed state about having a child that you went through with Richard. You drove Richard away with your obsession and….'

Catherine stopped in mid-sentence. Several things were all starting to fall into place. Kate watched her mother working things out and braced herself for the next question.

'Who's the father?'

'Oh Mum' a now very embarrassed Kate found it difficult to look her mother in the eye; this was something she really didn't want to have to explain.

'There is nothing between the father and me Mum, he was only a donor and wants nothing to do with bringing up the baby.'

'A donor, so….IVF?'

'No'

The final piece of the jigsaw fell into place for the older woman

'Is that why you broke up with Caroline?'

'No, no not at all…..' blustered Kate but she couldn't lie to her mother. 'Well, maybe, in part.'

'And there I've been calling a woman I've never even met, someone who is probably a perfectly lovely woman, all the names under the sun and all because I thought she had hurt my daughter.'

'She is a perfectly lovely woman' said Kate without thinking, and then blushed realising she had given her mother a very clear indication of how she still felt about Caroline.

'Kate, will you tell me what happened?' asked Catherine gently, seeing the pain in her daughter's eyes.

Kate did, she told her mother more about Caroline than she ever had before, she told her about the tender, vulnerable Caroline who had won her heart, she told her about the selfish, arrogant Caroline who had hurt her by hiding their relationship. Kate told her mother about Caroline's beauty, her brilliance, her complicated life. In every way possible without uttering the words Kate told her mother that she was still deeply in love with the magnificent Dr Elliot.

'And the baby, what happened when you started down that path?'

'I could see Caroline didn't want another child at her age, at least that's what I thought then, so when it came to it I chose the chance to have this child over Caroline. I'm not proud of some of the things I did back then, I know I must have hurt Caroline, but I know I won't regret them when I hold my child in my arms.'

Catherine loved her daughter but she had lived through Kate's obsession with having a child before and she knew how destructive it had been, if this pregnancy didn't go to term would Kate be so confident that she had made the right decisions.

'The ends don't always justify the means Kate, you know that.'

Kate was about to make some suitably childish remark about not being a child any longer when her mother asked

'What did you mean when you said Caroline not wanting another child was…_what you thought then_?'

'Well, she seemed very upset when I told her I was pregnant'

'When you told her you were pregnant, what on earth possessed you…?'

'She's my boss Mum, I had no choice.'

'Sorry, sorry, yes I forgot for a moment how complicated this all is.'

Catherine sat deep in thought for a while

'Why do you think she was upset?'

'I don't really know, I have been trying to fathom it out all week. It doesn't make sense unless…..'

Kate didn't finish her sentence and the two women sat in silence for a time.

'So what now love….?' Catherine eventually asked

'I'm thrilled that I'm pregnant Mum and I hope you can be happy for me?'

'Well I can't say that _I'm_ thrilled Kate, given everything that has gone before I am obviously worried about the risk you are taking but, you know I will always be there for you.'

Then deciding that there was nothing to lose the older woman went on

'I think you still feel very strongly about Caroline. What about her, do you think she still has feelings for you?

Kate didn't answer

'When I said _what now' _continued Catherine 'I meant would it be worth trying to find out what she actually feels rather than just guessing?'

Under her mother's steady gaze Kate began to feel again those first stirrings of guilt about the way she had behaved but then she remembered.

'I can't go back to that life again, I can't pretend any more that I'm happy when Caroline shies away from any public recognition of how I feel, how we feel…. felt.

'Actually' said Kate allowing her exasperation to show through her outer calm ' I've never been sure how Caroline felt, she always said she needed me, she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but….she never said she loved me.'

'I can't bring up a child in an atmosphere where I almost literally have to walk one step behind my partner. Plus Caroline's family is just way too complicated, I won't expose this baby to the veiled hostility Caroline's mother has never stopped giving off; I won't put up with living in some kind of weird ménage a trois where Caroline's husband is still staying in the same house. This baby needs all of my love, all of my time and all of my protection'

Defiant, chin up, eyes flashing but then…. Kate appeared to wilt before her mother's eyes.

'Besides, I think it's already too late, I think she was upset because now that she definitely knows I'm pregnant she knows she'll never be able to forget what I did or be able to forgive me, the child would be a permanent reminder of….of…..'

'Oh love' said Catherine McKenzie standing quickly to enfold her weeping daughter in her arms.


	3. Chapter 3

The autumn term had shot past in a flash and given her previous history Kate was grateful that she had had a remarkably smooth ride with her pregnancy this time, all of her scans and tests had passed without any problems being found.

Emotionally she had to admit the start of term had been fraught. Caroline's obvious pain and distress when she had learnt of Kate's pregnancy had caused her to question the path she had chosen to follow. It hadn't helped that her own mother had seemed to think that she should give Caroline another chance even after Kate had explained how badly the older woman had treated her. Truth to tell though Kate had started to feel a very real sense of shame about the way she had broken up with Caroline and had convinced herself that, with the baby as an ever present reminder of her having slept with Greg, Caroline would never be able to forgive or forget.

Kate had spent most of the last few weeks trying to supress her guilt by focusing on all of the ways in which Caroline had brushed aside her feelings during their time together, all of the times Caroline had made her feel that she was so much less important than her family, her job, her public image, less important than almost every other aspect of the older woman's life. She kept reminding herself how Caroline had used her when she had asked her to move into Conway Drive while John was still living there, how stupid she had been to agree. But, it wasn't only John, she reminded herself how Celia could make her feel unwelcome even when she was saying hello, how Lawrence was always so coldly polite that she only ever felt like a guest who had overstayed her welcome.

Her love for Caroline wasn't going to give up without a fair fight though so even while she was trying to think only of those times when she had been hurt by the older woman she would suddenly remember those private moments they had shared, the tenderness of Caroline's touch, the love that seemed to shine so clearly at times from those beautiful, beautiful eyes, and then the dull ache of loneliness and separation would return.

Just as Kate thought she had managed to rebuild her defences and was again coming to terms with being alone Caroline's family reached out to entangle her yet again.

Lawrence had had to turn to her for help when his drunken idiot of a father had deserted him and he had been unable to contact Caroline. Kate had collected a very scared Lawrence from the centre of town, taken him home, fed and cared for him, all while being desperately worried as to why Caroline was out of reach, something that she knew was completely out of character for the older woman.

The following morning, when Kate took Lawrence home, she was met by a dishevelled John who in his usual self centred way seemed to be more worried about what Caroline might do when she found out he had abandoned their son than about how Lawrence had been or where on earth Caroline might be.

'Nothing changes' thought Kate as she drove herself home

Caroline, always the epitome of good manners had turned up at her door that afternoon with a large bunch of flowers to thank her for taking care of her younger son.

What had amazed Kate though was that Caroline has used this opportunity to again apologise for treating Kate so badly during their time together and to promise she would try harder if Kate would only give her another chance. That Caroline would so put aside her pride to plead with Kate in the way she did was astounding. She knew Caroline was bearing her sole, she knew this would be her last chance, if she rejected Caroline for a third time then Caroline would not return.

Kate so nearly said yes, so nearly pulled Caroline into her arms, so nearly tasted again those sweet lips but then, then she remembered returning Lawrence home that morning. Nothing, absolutely nothing had changed; John was still living in Conway Drive, still as brusque and impolite as ever. Lawrence may have turned to her in desperation but he hadn't been particularly friendly during his stay.

Although Caroline's renewed attempt at reconciliation meant that she could no longer hide behind the belief that Caroline would never accept the baby, she still couldn't risk taking her child in to the complicated world of Caroline Elliot, it was ludicrous to even think about doing so. Caroline had promised so much so often in the past, why should she believe the outcome would be any different this time around. Although her heart was screaming for her to say yes, her head said no, and still bearing the scars from previous occasions when she had allowed her heart to rule her head, this time she knew she had to listen to her head.

'No…..thank you' had been her reply.

The pain in Caroline's eyes when she heard Kate's answer had been the hardest thing of all to bear. Kate wasn't a cruel woman, she knew she was still in love with Caroline and that her basic instinct was to support and comfort the one she loved but now she loved another as well, the child growing within her, and her child needed her protection more than Caroline needed her love, or so she believed.

Kate knew she had driven the woman she loved back within the shell that was 'Dr Elliot' and there were times when Kate hated herself for what she had done to Caroline but then she would feel the child within her move and she would remember what had driven her decision.

xXx

Kate had awoken with a sense of unease. She lay waiting for the baby to stir, to reassure her that all was well but the little might was surprisingly quiet this morning, thinking back Kate realised she didn't have a firm fix on when she had last felt the baby move.

'When was it little one' she murmured resting her hands on her rounded belly

Kate slowly showered and dressed for school grabbing a piece of toast before heading out the door into a crisp bright winter's day. Her first lesson passed fairly uneventfully, 8B were a good group and there were a couple of budding linguists in the class that always made the time she took with them feel worthwhile.

Heading for her morning coffee Kate stopped at the toilets thinking the baby must be lying heavily on her bladder this morning.

Seeing for the first time the unmistakeable traces of blood Kate stood frozen to the spot staring in disbelief. Her heart rate shot up, the blood pounded in her ears; it was still too soon she knew for the baby to have any real chance of survival.

What was she going to do, she couldn't call her mother; it was unthinkable that she should put her mother through the trauma that she believed was to come.

Caroline, could she, did she dare tell Caroline. She so wanted to, Caroline would know what to do, Caroline would take charge.

Shaking her head in wonderment she thought 'Don't be so bloody stupid, you can't expect Caroline to support you now, you made your choice – live with it.'

Stopping by the school office to leave a message for her head of department that she was unwell and had to leave school she bumped into Caroline's PA, Beverley. Noticing how upset Kate appeared Beverley quietly took her to one side and asked if everything was all right. Somewhat reluctantly Kate explained what had happened and where she was going.

'Do you want me to find Caroline' asked Beverly without hesitation confirming what Kate had always suspected, that this slightly austere woman had a soft centre where her boss was concerned, and also that she knew more about Kate and Caroline's relationship than Caroline had ever appreciated.

'No Beverly, but thank you'

Making her lonely way to the hospital Kate's emotions ricocheted between hope and despair. It didn't feel the same as before but then she had never got so far into a pregnancy and even if there was no pain Kate knew that bleeding was one of the most common symptoms of miscarriage.

Sitting alone in the waiting room she had felt isolated by her fear. She had chosen a solitary path for this pregnancy convinced that she would succeed, convinced that she could care for the child alone. She had never really considered how she would cope if she did miscarry, stupid she knew given her history but then she wouldn't really have started this whole process unless she had believed that this time all would be well. How was she going to cope with the loss of this child, the weight of her misery was almost more than she could bear.

A movement beside her, someone sitting in the seat next to her, even in her state of introspection Kate thought this was unusual, there was plenty of space in the waiting room and people didn't normally sit so close unless there was no option.

Then it hit her, the gentle, almost indefinable but wholly unmistakable scent that was Caroline. Not daring to look up immediately Kate stared at the very shapely legs and elegant hands of the woman who had sat down beside her, there was no mistake, Caroline was here, here beside her, here in her moment of need.

Kate turned her head slowly and stared at the beautiful profile of the blonde.

Caroline's gentle words of support.

The offer to accompany Kate when she was called.

Reaching for Caroline's hand as she waited for the scan to begin.

Seeing the worry on Caroline's face replaced by delight at the words 'It's fine',

Seeing the love spark in Caroline's eyes as she saw the image of the baby for the first time.

Then...remembering why this couldn't work.

Remembering why now that she knew the baby was safe she needed to prevent the pull that Caroline could exert overpowering her common sense.

Dropping Caroline's hand abruptly

The cold polite thanks as they left the ultrasound suite.

Parting.

xXx

It was only over the next few days when Kate had had time to assimilate what had happened that she began to realise the full implication of Caroline's action in coming to the hospital to be with her. It was nearly the end of term, the headmistresses diary would have been full of meetings, budget reviews, and a variety of school performances that she was expected to attend, yet she had simply walked away from all of that to be with her, to be with the woman who had hurt and rejected her on multiple occasions.

In coming to the hospital unasked Caroline had spoken louder and more clearly than at any time in the past. Now, when they weren't even together, when Kate had pushed her away on so many occasions Caroline had put Kate first, had been there beside her with no thought for what people might think or, most amazingly of all, without a second thought for the demands on her as headmistress of Sulgrave Heath.

For the first time Kate allowed herself to consider what could possibly have made Caroline behave in this way. However hard she tried to avoid it the only answer she could come up with was that Caroline must still care for her, and that she must care for her more than she did for her job or for her public image. In fact with startling clarity Kate came to realise that if Caroline was willing to put her first in her long list of responsibilities then it could only mean that Caroline loved her as much as she, Kate, loved Caroline.

This thought was overwhelming but before Kate had had the opportunity to come to terms with it she received a further broadside when Celia called ostensibly to ask her to play the piano at her wedding on Christmas Eve. The request wasn't the problem; it was the other pieces of information dropped subtly into the conversation. Caroline was alone, John was out of the picture, the divorce would soon be absolute, and worst of all Caroline was unhappy.

Kate's resolve wavered, weakened and finally crumbled. Her desire to have a child had turned her into someone she didn't really like, a self-obsessed individual who was willing to hurt the person she loved in order to justify the course of action she had taken. Admittedly Caroline had been far from perfect in the way she had used Kate but it was no longer possible to lay all of the blame for their break up at the older woman's door. Plus Caroline had tried to apologise for her behaviour, Kate had been the one who had assumed the moral high ground, the one who had accepted no responsibility for the failure of their relationship.

Kate knew any reconciliation with Caroline would now have to be instigated by her and she had hoped to be able to take the first tentative steps at Celia and Alan's wedding. Kate had watched Caroline throughout the day and had been enthralled to see her softer side on public display for the very first time. It had been delightful to see but Caroline had been so busy tending to family and friends Kate had been unable to find the right opportunity to talk with her. In truth Kate hadn't really known what to say and had finally given up and left following a rather petulant exchange with Caroline as she made her goodbyes.

Thoughts of Caroline, flashes of memory from their time together played across her mind all of the way home. The joy in a simple touch or smile, the way they could communicate without speaking, the peace they found in each other's company, the laughter and tears they had shared. The love shining from Caroline's eyes when she looked at her, the thrill she felt every time Caroline came into view. Their early tender love making growing in passion with Caroline's growing confidence. To lose all that they had had together, to lose Caroline forever was more than she could bear. If she really wanted to sort this out she had to turn round right now.

So here she was back at the wedding and there was Caroline sad and alone at the family table.

Caroline felt someone beside her. Even before she looked up she knew it was Kate. There was no mistake, Kate was here, here by her side, she had come back.

Scared to take Kate's hand, scared to dance with her in front of all these people but more afraid to risk letting this woman go again.

In each other's arms, searching for each other's lips.

Feeling the other relax in their tender embrace.

Together.

Whole.

Complete.


	4. Chapter 4

Frankly Celia was appalled. That Caroline should make such a show of herself on the dance floor was bad enough but that it was now obvious to all at the wedding that her daughter, her Caroline, was a lesbian was very hard for Celia to accept. Caroline had always made her so proud; she was beautiful to the eye, lyrical to the ear, intelligent, witty, successful, what more could a mother hope for in a child. But this flaw, this attraction to women had always been there, however hard Celia had tried to ignore it she knew that it was part of Caroline and that it created a dynamic in their relationship that neither had ever fully had the courage to explore.

Celia hated the word lesbian and all that it implied, she was repulsed by the thought of Kate being intimate with her daughter and she certainly couldn't bring herself to think of the intimacy between the two women in terms of them making love. The whole concept of two women being in love with each other and expressing that love physically was abhorrent to Celia.

But Celia did love her daughter and she did want her to find the kind of happiness that she herself had found so late in life. Celia had become increasingly worried at how withdrawn and depressed Caroline had become since her break up with Kate and so had engineered Kate's attendance at her wedding in the hope that there would be some kind of reconciliation between the two women. Celia had assumed that if this did happen it would happen discreetly and things would go back to being the way they had been last spring, recognized only within the family and with no overt display of the relationship between Caroline and Kate that she would be forced to witness.

When she first saw Kate at the wedding and realised that she was pregnant Celia had been concerned that she had made a bad mistake in trying to bring the two women back together. She remembered there had been talk of a baby when Kate and Caroline were together but Caroline had assured her it wouldn't happen. Surely to God Caroline didn't want to be lumbered with somebody else's child at her time of life. With all of these thoughts spinning in her head Celia had made no further attempt to meddle and when Kate had left early Celia had been mildly regretful but secretly relieved, she could at least tell herself that she had done all she could to ensure Caroline's happiness, it was not her fault that her plans had come to naught.

Celia had not seen Kate return and when Alan had directed her attention to the two women on the dance floor she had been aghast to see them in such a passionate embrace. Celia had never seen them do more than hold hands in the past but having seen them tonight there could be no doubt there was nothing platonic in their relationship. There had obviously been some sort of reconciliation but Celia had not bargained on it being so passionate nor so public, what would her guests think.

Having overheard a somewhat scathing comment from her mother Caroline didn't break with Kate, if anything she pulled her in just a little bit closer, kissed her just a little bit deeper. It felt so good, so right to have Kate in her arms again and although she knew there was still work needed to re-establish their former relationship the fact that Kate had come back, was there in her arms, was kissing her so tenderly made her heart pound and her body tremble.

In their months apart Caroline had come to realize that one of her greatest failings had been her inability to accept who she was, to publicly acknowledge her own nature, and consequently to allow her love for Kate to be recognised, not least by Caroline herself. This had been true throughout her life; she had always suppressed a part of herself and now fully understood how this had moulded the person she had become and the way in which she behaved. More than that though, it had made her treat Kate as her 'dirty little secret', something that was never to be allowed to see the light of day, someone who was never to be recognized as a part of her life, as her partner.

Although there was much to be worked out Caroline knew that failing to recognize Kate for who she was and what she meant to her was a mistake she couldn't afford to make again. Allowing Kate the self-respect that came with being recognized as Caroline's partner was fundamental to their future relationship so Caroline pulled her in just a little bit closer, kissed her just a little bit deeper in front of all of her friends and family and was rewarded by feeling Kate smile into her kiss and gently stroke her cheek.

As the music ended and their lips parted Caroline continued to hold Kate almost as if she was frozen to the spot, afraid to let her go. In the same way that Kate had maneuvered into Caroline's arms at the beginning of the dance she now reversed the process turning so that she stood parallel with Caroline before, while still keeping one of the older woman's arms around her waist, leading them back towards the fireplace. Kate could sense the gentle tremor running through Caroline, holding a woman in public was entirely new territory for the blonde but she didn't change her position, at least not until they both saw Celia approaching. Then, much to Kate's amazement and delight Caroline tightened her arm and drew her in closer.

Celia smiled somewhat frostily and muttered.

'Caroline, really! You are embarrassing Alan and me, and all of our guests.'

Glancing at Alan and noticing the anxiety on his face Caroline answered gently.

'I don't think so Mother and if I am then I am sorry. Not sorry that I finally plucked up the courage to publicly acknowledge the woman I love as my partner, I'm only sorry that it took me so long to do so and, yes, sorry for those that see such a moment as embarrassing.'

'Your partner but …she's preg..'

'Mum' cut in Caroline hurriedly 'this has been a lovely day; let's not end it on a quarrel. We can discuss this more when we aren't as tired nor so emotionally wound up'

Seeing the sense in this Alan chipped in with

'Caroline's right love, let's see to our guests and enjoy the rest of this wonderful day that the girls have arranged.'

Celia seemed about to argue but then looking at Alan and seeing the strain this confrontation was causing she thought better of it. Casting a cold look at Kate and her daughter she inwardly promised herself a day of reckoning before allowing Alan to steer her away.

Caroline turned to Kate to see that she was alright after this unpleasant exchange.

Kate's expression was unreadable something that Caroline found very alarming, she obviously hadn't had the opportunity to fathom out what was in Kate's mind when she came back to the reception and the older woman realised that she had made some pretty big assumptions in her conversation with Celia. Certainly Kate had promised 'forever' but Caroline was no fool and she knew they had a lot to work through to make forever a reality. Maybe she had taken a step too far in claiming Kate as her partner before they had even talked, would Kate see this as Caroline falling back into her previous pattern of behaviour where she had absolute control and Kate had only minimal input to the progress of their relationship.

'Kate, sweetheart, I'm sorry I didn't mean to assume anything when I called you my partner I really just wanted to stop my mother becoming unpleasant and I wanted her to know that if you'll have me I will keep my word, I will try harder every day to show you and everybody else just how much I love you.

Kate continued to stare at Caroline with an unfathomable expression. After a pause that felt to Caroline as if it had lasted a century Kate said.

'Caroline, you said you loved me… twice.'

Caroline was now completely nonplussed

'Well, of course yes but, you knew that, you must have known that after everything…..'

'I thought I knew it, I always felt it but you have never said it to me. You have never taken me in your arms and said 'I love you'. You still haven't Caroline.'

Kate felt slightly foolish, she hadn't really wanted to broach this subject in such a public place nor quite so soon but Celia's intervention and Caroline's response had left her so bewildered she had spoken without thinking. Now, looking at Caroline and seeing her discomfort, Kate was beginning to panic, she hadn't wanted to sound as if she was complaining but she feared that was how her outburst would be perceived.

'God' thought Kate 'this is hard, I love her so much but what if we are just too damaged to move forward, can we find the strength to see this through'.

In fact, for once, and quite unusually Kate had failed to read the thoughts and emotions racing through Caroline's mind. The older woman was remembering very clearly how she had felt when Kate had first told her she loved her; it had been the night after that first disastrous meeting between Kate and Celia. She remembered how much it had meant to hear those words from this beautiful woman. Had she really never said them to Kate, she said it so frequently to her Mum, to the boys why on earth had she never said it to Kate with whom she was in love. Maybe there was the difference, to be in love incorporated the risk of rejection and the possibility of pain. Well she had experienced both in full measure these past few months so maybe holding back with her feelings for this wonderful woman was the daftest thing that the intelligent Dr Elliot had ever done.

Turning towards the younger woman Caroline wrapped her arms around Kate's waist and pulled her in as close as the baby bump would allow.

'Kate I know I have been spectacularly inept at expressing how I feel. I know that I should have made it clear long before now. I know this is neither the right time nor the right place but…'

'When you came back for me tonight, when you held me again I believed anything was possible. Truly Kate I hope this is forever but, even if it should prove to be nothing more than a brief but magnificent interlude, I want you to be in no doubt that I love you. Kate McKenzie I am in no doubt that you are the love of my life.'

The expression of love in Caroline's eyes and the tenderness of her embrace were all just as Kate remembered but the words, the words were new and for Kate, who had waited so long to hear them, they gave her confidence in the future, a future that she knew they would now find together.


	5. Chapter 5

'Caroline? Caroline, where are you?'

'Here' Caroline called from the back garden 'Just admiring the sunrise'

Kate appeared from inside the house to stand beside Caroline enfolding the older woman in her arms.

'I woke up and you weren't there, for a moment I wondered if the last two days were all a dream'

Returning the hug Caroline smiled

'Sorry, didn't mean to worry you. I woke early and after taking my time to admire the beautiful woman beside me I decided I'd like to pay my respects to the new day.'

Kate smiled and leant in for a good morning kiss

'I don't know about beautiful' she said 'these days I feel more like a beached whale when I lie in bed than a beautiful woman'

'Kate you are always beautiful to me, you always will be even when we are both old and grey but right now, you are especially, wonderfully, gloriously beautiful. Being pregnant really suits you. I love the fullness of your body, I could spend hours tracing each curve, each, dip and hollow, I love watching you awake or asleep, I love you, it's as simple as that.'

Still thrilled by Caroline's new found confidence Kate leant in for another kiss, both women holding each other close, relishing the contact after so long apart.

It had proved impossible for them to spend Christmas Day together, long standing family commitments for both of them couldn't be cancelled at such short notice without hurting a lot of people. So, they had parted early on Christmas morning, before any other members of the wedding party had been awake, Caroline promising to come to Kate's house that evening as soon as the family was settled.

That night when they were at last alone together both were exhausted from the exertions of the last two days. They sat for a while in companionable silence, Kate's head resting on Caroline's chest listening to the steady rhythmic beat of her heart while Caroline gently caressed the length of the younger woman's arm watching the goose bumps form at her lightest touch. Too tired to talk, both scared to enter the waters of their past in case they proved too difficult to navigate.

They had slept together again on Christmas Night but they had not yet made love both knowing that they weren't quite ready for that next step without first dealing with some of the hurt that each had caused the other over the last few months.

Boxing Day with the early morning sun sparkling on the frozen lawn and the long shadows from the trees creating a complex pattern across the shimmering grass was for Caroline their new beginning. Still stunned that Kate had come back for her Caroline had woken on the two mornings since worried that she would find herself alone again in her large empty bed. The joy and relief she felt on seeing Kate when she opened her eyes was immeasurable, the depth of her love for this woman unfathomable, all she knew was that she couldn't risk losing Kate again. They needed to be able to unravel their past without blame. Today, in the pale light of a midwinter dawn Caroline knew she was finally ready to do this, to face her demons and build their future.

Strangely Kate was the more nervous of the two to start the process of their reconciliation. Having spent months blaming Caroline, rejecting Caroline, trying to stop loving Caroline the realization of how badly she had treated the other woman had only recently fully registered with Kate. This had made the younger woman question the person she had become, made her ask why had she allowed her need to have a child to push aside her innate kindness and compassion, her decency, her honesty. Most distressing of all though, given the character flaws Kate felt she had exhibited, she had also started to question whether she was a suitable person to bring up a child. Acknowledging the magnificent job Caroline had done in raising her two boys Kate felt inadequate to the task before her.

Kate knew that her love for Caroline had not lessened in their time apart and seeing the change in the older woman, seeing Caroline's new openness and honesty, her new strength of purpose she hoped that this time Caroline would be the one to pull her free from self-doubt.

'You must be freezing love, shall we go in'

xxXxx

With breakfast over and the kitchen tidied Caroline took Kate's hand and asked

'Are you ready to talk?'

An echo of the past not lost on Kate, it was her question to Caroline the evening after their first kiss, the evening when Caroline had told Kate of her past loves and losses and warned Kate that their being together wouldn't be easy.

'I'm scared Caroline'

'Of what'

'Of the things I have done, the person I have become, that when you truly know me you will no longer be able to love me.'

'I don't think there is much that will be new to me, I was there, a part of it, even if you only thought of me as being on the periphery. I felt the pain. But Kate, truly I think I understand a little better why what happened…happened. Remember, I am good at research.'

A small smile between them, another echo of the past

'Kate, you weren't alone in our break up, I was thoughtless and arrogant. I assumed it was my right to lead and that you would follow, I never allowed you the respect of being my partner either in private or in public. I mean that in every sense, I treated you the way I had always treated John just like another child to be managed and guided. I used you as a pawn in my battles with John with no thought as to how that made you feel. I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Worse though I demeaned our relationship by hiding it while promising, time and time again, that I would try harder, that I would change. I was scared of my own shadow and nearly destroyed the most precious thing in my life as a result.'

'Thoughtlessness and arrogance, fear even don't really compare to the way I treated you Caroline. I pushed you away in the most horrible manner, all so I could tell myself it was alright to have sex with someone else, all so that I could have the best chance of getting pregnant.'

'Sex with Greg' said Caroline unexpectedly 'Let's not avoid the reality; we need to face the past to move forward Kate. Greg is the father of your child, you will want her to know him when the time is right so he will be a part of our future, and we have to accept that.'

'What I did with…..Greg, how I manipulated you to achieve my own ends, that sullied what was between us far more than anything you did Caroline.'

'I thought so for a while' said Caroline candidly

Kate was stricken by this admission; tears filled her eyes and fell silently down her cheeks.

Caroline wiped them away.

'No love, no more tears. Let's discuss the past but without blame. I said I blamed you for a while but not anymore. I do understand that your desire for a child became overwhelming as you believed your chance of actually having one diminished. Kate you aren't alone in being wholly self-centred in your need to have a child. It's not a character flaw Kate, it's the result of millennia of tying fertility and femininity together. The belief that to be a success as a woman you have to be a mother is hard coded into our DNA. I think that because your inability to have a child came through miscarriage rather than a problem in conceiving, that the reasons for your miscarriages couldn't be defined, that there was no obvious treatment available, these things only made your sense of isolation and failure more extreme.'

Kate listened to Caroline intently. This wasn't really new information; she had heard it all many times before in many different ways from counsellors after her miscarriages. But Caroline was saying these things with such tenderness, without any bitterness or reproach so much so that Kate dared to believe Caroline did understand, dared to hope that she may have forgiven her.

'Kate, I know that the way I behaved in the few months we were together probably made things worse for you. I loved you but never said it, I hid our relationship, even within the family I would try and pretend it wasn't what it was, I mean I wouldn't even let you kiss me in front of my mother for God's sake. I was living with you, having the most fantastic sex of my life with you…...'

Another smile between them

'….but telling myself I wasn't gay. How screwed up was that.'

'You were as much a victim of society's expectations as I was. If I thought I had to have a child to prove I was a woman you had been programmed to believe that being a woman you could only love a man that loving another woman would repel all decent people. Being with me called into question your image of yourself. I think I knew all this Caroline but wasn't able to see beyond my own self-absorption in having a child. I could have helped you more, made your journey easier.'

'I never stopped loving you, I never stopped wanting you but once I was pregnant, once I was more myself again I believed you would never be able to forgive me for what I had done. I know only too well the value you place on fidelity, that deeply ingrained integrity of yours is one of the things I love about you; I thought you would never be able to accept my child that it would be a permanent reminder of what I had done. But you kept trying even after I told you I was pregnant, you kept giving me glimmers of hope but Caroline you come with such a complicated life I couldn't risk exposing myself and my child to all that again, we needed, we need stability, we need certainty, and….. love, and I was never sure of your love Caroline, never certain, not until recently.'

'What changed your mind?' asked Caroline quietly

'When you came to be with me in the hospital, I couldn't think why you would do that if you didn't love me. It was the first time you had ever publicly put me first. Then the phone call from your mother gave me a much clearer understanding of how you had dealt with a lot of the issues that I thought were too complicated for me to deal with when I had a child to protect. Well actually it was the fact that she told me John was now gone and you truly seemed to be moving on that made the difference. You had been remarkably persistent but I knew that I had rejected you for the last time, you wouldn't try again, and any attempt had to come from me. I wanted to try at the reception but chickened out. On the long drive home though I thought about us and how much I loved you, and how difficult I had made things. I knew I couldn't give up on us without one last try so, I came back. I am so glad I did….so, so glad.'

'But Caroline I also need to understand why are you so much more willing to acknowledge our relationship publicly, similar question I guess what changed your mind, where does your new found confidence come from?'

'Well, I suppose I changed when I realised that even through all the hurt, and I won't pretend, you did hurt me Kate just as I know I hurt you, even through all of that I never stopped loving you. I realised that my love for you knows no bounds and that I had no idea how I could live the rest of my life without you. Once I was able to admit that to myself admitting it to others seemed so much easier. I am so sorry I tried to talk you out of having this baby; I hope you can forgive me for that and believe that in amongst all my selfishness there was a very real concern for your wellbeing. All I know now is that from the moment you told me you were pregnant I regretted having thrown away the chance to have a child with you; from the moment I saw your daughter I loved her. If you will let me I want to spend the rest of my life caring for both of you.'

'That's a very big commitment Caroline, I saw the fear of it in your mother's eyes at the wedding, are you sure?'

'I let the world know how I feel about you on that dance floor on Christmas Eve Kate. I have never been as scared in all my life as when I stepped onto that floor but the world didn't tilt on its axis in horror at two women dancing, although my mother is another matter. I couldn't have done that if I wasn't sure of how I feel and I plan to keep on demonstrating my love for you, and the baby, to the world until you stop doubting me.'

'I don't think I ever really doubted your love Caroline, I saw it in your eyes, felt it in your touch but sometimes love needs to be voiced as well.'

Leaning forward, taking Kate's face in her hands, Caroline looked deep into the younger woman's eyes.

'Kate, I love your patience, your kindness and your humour. I love your generosity of spirit, and your tranquillity. I love the way you use language, I love that you can move me to tears with your music, I love that you are re-educating me, opening my mind, and that in your company I can again feel the thrill of new learning. I love every inch of your woman's body Kate, you are so beautiful. No more hiding, no more self-delusion, I am gay, and I love you Kate McKenzie, I love you.'

Kate knew she would never be able to describe how she felt as she listened to Caroline's words, as she saw the intensity of Caroline's love shining in her clear blue eyes but she also knew she would never forget this moment, it would burn brightly in her memory, lighting her darkest moments until her dying day.


	6. Chapter 6

Kate looked at the beautiful woman who was now watching her with such intensity. Caroline had never before shared her feelings so openly, never exposed her inner self so daringly, Kate knew the effort this must have taken and how fargile Caroline would now be feeling, she knew she had to respond, to reassure the older woman that in acting so out of character she had not made a horrible mistake.

Breathing deeply to compose herself, Kate took Caroline's hands in hers and said gently

'My turn'

'Caroline, …I love your intelligence, your drive, and your strength. I love that your life is anchored by a desire always to do the right thing, and to do it to the very best of your considerable abilities. I love your integrity and sense of family. I love the aspects of your character that no one else gets to see, your tenderness, your playfulness, and your vulnerability. I love that you love and trust me enough to show me those hidden parts of yourself. They aren't weaknesses Caroline, you need to stop seeing them as such.'

With a lift of her eyebrows and a suggestive smile Kate went on

'And I also love every inch of _your_ woman's body – do you want me to go into more detail about that?'

'Errr, no, not right now, maybe later?' said Caroline blushing profusely as she too was overwhelmed by the intenstity of emotion Kate's words had generated.

'Mhmm' agreed Kate leaning in for a tender kiss.

Caroline tried not to let herself get distracted

'Kate, you said you were scared that when I knew the person you had become I would no longer be able to love you..… I'm scared too, it was the person I am, the person I have been all my life that drove you away. I can try and change but forty six years of ingrained behaviour isn't going to disappear overnight. I am still me, I probably always will be. I worry whether you will be able to go on loving me if I can't eradicate the 'snotty bitch' within?'

'Oh sweatheart, I fell in love with you, I love you for who you are and what you are, I don't want to change you into some pale shadow of yourself. You really don't realise what an amazing woman you are, a wonderful mother, a fantastic leader, an original thinker, a brilliant organiser, you only have to look at what William and Lawrence have become, at what Sulgrave Heath achieves every day under your leadership to apprecaite your abilities. I love watching you in full headmistress mode and often wonder how many other members of your staff find it as sexy as I do, I really can't be the only one.'

Caroline looked appalled at the thought.

Smiling at her partners discomfort Kate hurried on

'But as much as I like seeing you like that at work, listening to your incredible mind construct argument and counter argument for any given situation I don't want to be led in my private life. I want a partner Caroline, one who cares what I think, one who considers my feelings and includes me in plans and decsions that affect us and our family. I know you weren't able to do this in the past but I am not John.'

'Very true' said Caroline openly appreciating the glorious curves of her girlfriend.

'Behave yourself Dr. Elliot, I am being serious. I want us to truly share our lives Caroline which for me means that you stand beside me as my soul mate, my truest love, and my best friend, that you accept my love and protection as I accept yours.'

For a moment Caroline couldn't speak, she gazed at Kate wondering how she could ever show this wonderful woman how much she loved her, how grateful she was to have been given a second chance.

'I don't know how to say this without sounding soppy but inside this tough headmistress exterior there is a woman who longs to have someone to share her life with. I think you are the only person who has ever really understood that, the only one to recognise that the inner woman exists, everybody else accepted me at face value and kept their distance. For many years that has left me in a very lonely place. '

'Kate I want nothing more than to stand by your side for the rest of my life and, whether you realise it or not, I have accepted your love and protection since that very first day you came to my office offering me a shoulder cry on. Until now I've just never been able to admit it.'

Kate pulled Caroline into her arms, holding her close overcome with a need to make up for all the years of heartache and lonliness that this beautiful woman had endured, guilt ridden that she had so callously added to this burden in the last six months.

'Promise me that you will always tell me how you feel as openly as you have in the last couple of days Caroline, there should be nothing we can't discuss, no secrets.'

'Mmm' murmered the older woman kissing Kate's neck.

Pulling apart Kate again took Caroline's hands in hers

'In the same vein, being that there should be nothing we can't discuss, I noticed that you always talk about the baby as my daughter. I know you said you wanted to care for us both and I know I have really messed up so much in making you a part of my pregnancy but …..do you think you will you ever be able to think of her as _our_ daughter, is that ever going to be possible?'

Caroline opened her mouth to reply but before she could say anything Kate continued

'As a mother you are a hard act to follow but I love you so and want to share this most precious life with you, I only ever wanted to share her with you. I want our daughter to have two loving parents, not a Mum and her Mum's partner. I want her to know the sense of family you hold so dear, to have two fantastic older brothers who she adores and who look out for her –always.

'Oh Kate, do you really need to ask?' said a slightly stunned looking Caroline 'I have loved that little girl for a very long time. I do think of her as our daughter, I was just scared of saying it out loud, scared of presuming too much because I wasn't sure that _you_ thought of me as her parent. I certainly didn't have the right to ask that of you given how I tried to disuade you from having her.'

'This isn't a matter of rights, and for both of us what is in the past needs to stay in the past. We have to stop beating ourselves up over things that can't be changed. We both made mistakes, we both hurt each other. We now have a second chance, let's close the door on what was and focus on what will be. We've said we want to spend the rest of our lives together but that won't be possible, not if we have to continually walk on egg shells to avoid unresolved issues in our past. We will quarrel Caroline, I'm stubborn, you're opinionated, it's ineviatble but I think our love is strong enough to weather the occasional storm?'

'In my life quarelling has only ever been a symptom of a deep unhappines, between my parents, between John and me. Quarelling scares me Kate, don't be surprised if I do a bit of egg shell walking, at least until I can wake up in the morning believing that you really are still going to be there. Thank you for being so forgiving, for giving me a second chance. I really thought I'd lost you and…..our daughter'

Kate stroked the older woman's cheek gently

'I'm here to stay Caroline. You weren't the only one that was miserable when we were apart. True the difference was that the choice was mine but I hope you do now understand why I felt I actually had no choice. Also that by the time I came to realise how wrong I had been the full horror of what I had done to you became very apparent to me. You aren't the only one that is grateful to be forgiven but we can't go on continually looking back, we must move forward. Agreed?'

'Yes but….'

'But what?'

'Only if you seal our agreement with a kiss, and I mean a proper bargain sealing type kiss.'

'You Elliot are incorrigable or is it insatiable?'

Pulling the older woman to her feet Kate closed the gap between them. Gentle kisses building in passion, hands working their way inside clothes to find bare skin. Their desire for each other igniting anew.

'Kate, Kate, sorry, please…..' gasped Caroline pulling away gently.

Looking quizically at the older woman Kate waited patiently.

'Kate I want you so, I would give anythimg to be able to spend the rest of the day here with you but there are things I must resolve first. I need to settle things with my mother once and for all and I haven't really had chance to speak with Lawrence properly since he watched us dance on Christmas Eve, I know he was horrified and at the very least I owe him some of my time. God, Kate I'm so sorry, my complicated life never seems to let me go.'

'I'm not stupid Caroline, I know you have responsibilities just as I do, we need to learn to share them and not feel guilty that they keep us apart from time to time.'

Caroline had started to pace

'Will you come back with me and spend the night. I don't mean you have to be there when I speak to my mother or to Lawrence but if you would come with me I would love it because I just want to spend as much time with you and possible. I may also need your support after I've spoken to my mum, I think what I plan to tell her won't be well received. I should also warn you that you may not be as impressed with my parenting skills when you have heard Lawrence and I going at each other, plus there is so much we still need to discuss, not like today but just the practical stuff for our future. Oh God, I've suddenly realised I'm pushing too hard again , I'm so sorry Kate, I really am hopeless at somethings …..so will you.'

Kate laughed out loud

'I had forgotten how wonderful you are when you are in full flow; you don't even seem to pause for breath. Caroline by the time you had got to the end of that ramble I had almost lost track of your original question. But, yes I will come back to Conway Drive with you _and_ spend the night.'

Becoming serious suddenly Kate continued with a firmer edge to her voice

'We can discuss what we plan to say to your mother as we drive over.'


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N - Apologies for gap since last update, life intervened**

Kate stepped inside the house on Conway Drive for the first time in months and stood very still as the memories of her time here, both good and bad, flooded her mind. Sensing her unease Caroline stepped forward and wrapped Kate in her arms.

'Thank you for coming with me' she said 'I know this can't be easy'

Caroline tenderly kissed Kate wordlessly communicating her love and support.

'You're back then' Celia's voice, cutting icily across them.

However confident Kate has been during their drive over her response to Celia's intervention was automatic, she stiffened immediately and tried to pull away from Caroline's embrace. Horrified Caroline recognised this reaction as a legacy of how she had previously treated Kate, of how she had conditioned the younger woman to respond if caught openly showing affection to her in front of her mother or indeed in any public place.

Caroline swore to herself wondering how she could have been so self-centred, how she could have abused Kate so badly, she felt a deep sense of shame but also a swell of fierce protective love, she vowed to herself that she would do everything in her power never to take Kate for granted again.

Tightening her arms to stop Kate pulling away Caroline turned to face her mother.

With a gentle smile and a calm tone

'Yes Mum, back safe and sound. Everybody here OK'

'Yes, William and Roxy are watching some historical thing on the telly, Lawrence is playing on his game-box thing, and Alan is resting next door. I've been waiting for you to get back.'

'Good, thanks for holding the fort overnight. If you give us a few minutes to get in and settled then I'd like to have a chat, I think there are things we need to talk about.'

'Hmph' muttered Celia turning into the lounge to watch TV with William and Roxy while she waited.

Rapidly removing coats, depositing bags, saying a quick hello to William and Roxy, calling upstairs to check on Lawrence before boiling the kettle for tea, both women were settled in double quick time. Lightly pecking Kate on the lips Caroline asked

'Do you mind being with me sweetheart, I think this could be quite tough and I don't mind if you'd rather not be there, I don't want you getting upset.'

Kate just smiled and taking her mug in one hand headed for the table in the dining area off the main kitchen.

'No Caroline that's not the way, I'm a big girl now' pointing to her expanding belly and smiling 'actually in more ways than one. But seriously, I want Celia to know we are together, a couple, a partnership, indivisible. My pride wants her to stop talking about me rather than to me, I want her to consider me as a fixture in your life, and therefore also a part of her family's future. If you keep discussing this without me being there she'll never get that message.'

Nodding at the truth of Kate's words Caroline went through and asked her mother if she would like to join them in the kitchen. The brief flicker of surprise that crossed Celia's face at the plural pronoun did not go unnoticed by her daughter.

'I had hoped we might have a few words, just the two of us' started Celia frostily.

'No Mum, this concerns Kate as much as either you or I so it would be foolish for her not be there.'

Sitting down beside Kate, Caroline took her hand. The younger woman felt the nervous tension running through Caroline and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

'Mum, I can see by the expression on your face you aren't happy but can we at least try to keep this civilised, I do love you, you know that and I don't want to fall out with you but I need you to listen to me, to try and understand how I feel.'

Celia pursed her lips but didn't say anything. Caroline shook her head gently

'I've gone through this in my head so many times Mum but I still find it difficult to know where to start. '

Perplexed at her own inability, shaking her head again almost in bewilderment Caroline took a deep breath.

'You once told me that you had been unhappy for decades Mum, 'half a bloody century' were you're exact words if I remember correctly. Well you haven't been alone in that, for the last few years I've also been deeply unhappy, only you, the boys and my job have kept me going but it was an existence Mum not a life. The joy had gone from my marriage long ago; John going off with Judith was just the final nail in the coffin.'

'Then, out of what felt like an all-pervading darkness came a glimmer of light, I met, this wonderful woman and I fell in love, truly fell in love for the first time in my life. I felt liberated, elated and terrified all at the same time; I had never felt anything like it before, I couldn't even admit to myself how deep my feelings went. It would have been hard to cope with the flood of emotion had I fallen so hard for a man, falling in love with a woman meant I also, finally, had to face who I was and that wasn't easy. '

'Kate was very patient but I abused that patience, I hid her within the family, actually worse than that I even hid her from the family, hid her in plain sight true, but she was hidden none the less because I never allowed any expression of affection between us when anyone was around, I never illustrated my love other than in the bedroom and I never voiced my love even there.'

Caroline didn't fail to notice the pained expression on Celia's face when she mentioned the bedroom but she wasn't going to be diverted.

'I love Kate Mum, I came to realise how much while we were apart. I swore that if she ever gave me a second chance I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. I would make sure she and everyone else knew the extent of my love for her, how proud I was to be in a relationship with her and how wonderful it felt to have her as a part of my life.'

'I'm not daft; I know that I still won't find this easy. I will probably shake and stutter every time I have to 'come out' but…..'

With a smile at Kate

'….she makes me so happy'.

'I know you are going to tell me that you love me and that you only want what's best for me, I believe that you believe that when you say it but, there has always been an unspoken end to that statement. To deserve your love, to continue receiving your love you believe I have to conform to your perception of what is _normal_, to what you believe is socially acceptable.

'Your love has never felt unconditional; you have always made me feel that I can't be loved just for me, just as I am. Kate's love has shown me that that isn't true, she has allowed me to realise my own self-worth and that I no longer have to accept the conditions you impose. I will always love you Mum, I will always do everything I can to support you, to make sure you are happy but that no longer means I will live by your rules.'

'Where we go from here is up to you but make no mistake, Kate is a permanent part of my life, we are having a child together, a child that will be William and Lawrence's sister, we are a family. I hope you will choose to be a part of that family too but as I said, the decision rests with you.'

Kate's heart was full and overflowing. The magnificence that was Caroline Elliot had shone through her every word, Caroline had promised she would try harder and from this woman a promise once given was a commitment to the future.

Celia tutted, sighed and shook her head

'You are being ridiculous Caroline, how can you be a family, how can you call this woman's child William and Lawrence's sister, there is no relationship between you and this child other than the unnatural one you share with its mother.'

'Oh I know you think you are in love but it's just a perverted infatuation, your hormones have gone into some kind of overdrive – you will regret this when your head clears unless you continue to keep it contained within your real family. '

Caroline sat back in her chair appalled by her mother's scathing tone and vitriolic words.

'Celia' Kate interjected not sure how Caroline would react and wanting to prevent another shouting match 'why do you believe that what Caroline and I feel for each other is so much less than what you have with Alan?'

'But that's so different, that's normal, as nature intended'.

'What do you believe nature intended in the raising of a child Celia? Why do you assume that a relationship between two women who will raise their child in an atmosphere of love, giving that child every opportunity to be a well-rounded emotionally stable individual is a perversion but that a lack of love between a man and a woman, a broken relationship that leaves their child feeling alone and inadequate long into her adult life is normal, as nature intended?'

Celia stared at Kate open mouthed, she had never heard the younger woman speak so directly, that she was annoyed, that she was blaming Celia for damaging Caroline was self evident – how dare she!

With a sneer on her face and contempt in her voice Celia attacked.

'I wish to God I had never asked you to stay all those months ago, I wish I had never asked you to play at the wedding. I thought Caroline was recovering from the mess left behind by John, that she needed to revisit the stupidity of her youth and that you would do to keep her occupied while she came to her senses. But I was right about you from the beginning although I didn't see the full extent of what you were after I thought you were only angling for a promotion.'

'You've really hooked a winner with our Caroline and you've played her like an expert. You've got a meal ticket for you and your bastard for the rest of your lives.'

Caroline's fist came down on the table with a bang.

'Enough' she bellowed

Kate grabbed her wrist and held it tightly

'No Caroline, let her finish, it needs to be said.'

'I kept quiet when you lived here before because at least you were being discreet and I didn't think there would be any lasting damage but when you turned up at the wedding pregnant I knew I had got it badly wrong. You didn't quite get what you wanted though did you, took a bit of extra effort to get Caroline to make such a public display of herself on the dance floor.'

Turning and looking directly at Caroline

'Come to your senses Caroline, you don't want to spend the next twenty years of your life looking after someone else's child, you don't want to spend the rest of your life being talked about behind your back, having fingers pointing at you for being queer. You can still get out of this mess, lots of people do silly things at weddings when they have had too much to drink.'

'That _is_ enough Gran' said Lawrence quietly. He had come downstairs to get a snack and although he knew he shouldn't, he had been standing just outside the door listening.

'I'm sorry if I was eavesdropping' he said looking apologetically at Kate and his Mum

'You know Gran I was pretty hacked off with Mum's display at the wedding too. Angus thought it was hysterical and took the pi… er, mickey for ages afterwards. I got so angry William had to take me away to calm down, this was after Mum and Kate had left the party.'

'I moaned for a good half hour, some about Angus but mainly about Mum and Kate. Will just sat there and let me rant then, when I finally paused for breath, he told me to listen up because it was time I recognised a few home truths. He told me how much Mum loved us, how she would do anything to protect us, how she had been miserable for ages because of Dad's selfish behaviour, told me she deserved to be happy. He asked me if I had ever really looked at Mum and Kate together, asked if I had ever really seen how _Mum_ looked at Kate, asked if I couldn't see how happy she were when Kate was around, how much more alive she had been when she and Kate were together.'

'I lay awake a long while on Christmas Eve thinking about everything and realised that William was right, Mum is a different person when Kate is around'

Caroline swallowed jerkily but didn't interrupt

'Have you ever really looked at them Gran, have you ever stepped out from behind what you _believe_ is going on to see what is _actually _happening. There is force between Mum and Kate that I can't describe, I guess its love, I don't know I've never seen it before, certainly not between Mum and Dad. What I do know is that whatever it is, it goes between them, its felt by both of them, there is no question of either of them using the other.'

'I was raised by one parent Gran, Mum brought both Will and I up, we may have had a Dad in the house and don't get me wrong he was lots of fun but he was also a hopeless parent. Mum gave us all of the security, the love and support we needed. I love watching her stride down the assembly hall on a Monday morning, I hate to think of people being mean to her because of Kate but I trust her and if she says she can handle mean, if she thinks this is all worth it then we should only be offering her and Kate the love and support she has always given us.'

'I've been pretty mean myself to Kate, I hope she will forgive me for that because I know I want to be a part of this new family.'

Smiling shyly at Kate and his Mum.

'I do love you Ma and I do want you to be happy. But I didn't know how I could believe that you were happy if you felt so strongly that you needed to hide the reason for that happiness. I'm glad that has changed.'

Releasing Kate's hand Caroline stood and pulled Lawrence into a hug, she was delighted when he didn't wriggle or try to pull away. She held him close for a few moments enjoying the contact with this her more difficult child. She truly loved him no less than she did William but she had never been able to communicate with him in the same way she could with his brother, maybe as he got older that was changing.

'You know that I love both you and William very much, I am so proud of you both.'

With a final squeeze Caroline reluctantly released Lawrence and turned to her mother

'I meant what I said Mum, where we go from here is up to you, I will always love you but I will no longer live by your rules. There will be no more pretending, I am absolutely sure that I love Kate more than I have ever loved anybody else, not only that, I have finally accepted myself for who and what I am and I am prepared to stand up and tell Kate, you, and everybody else exactly how I feel about this wonderful woman I am so lucky to have in my life.'


End file.
